An SGA rule book: When Insanity gets controlled
by DumblesWhore
Summary: An Atlantis rule book
1. Chapter 1

A/n sorry for the short chap but the next ones will be longer also disclaimer - I do not own Stargate Atlantis...Unfortunately *tear*

**1. Do not touch anything without knowing what the device in question actually is.**

**A. It could be a device that calls bunnies to come and chase you **

**B. I thought it made sandwiches is not an excuse**

The villagers weren't so happy when one of their most valued temples got destroyed, resulting in them chasing sga3 off the planet whilst using their own weapons against them.

**2. Do not say the name Mary-Sue in the presence of SGA-1.**

**A. Better yet never mention it**

**B. It brings back horrible memories that lead people into running and hiding under a table for days**

Everyone remembers what happens when a Mary-Sue arrives and also it stops any new recruits being killed by Ronon.

**3. I don't care if he is annoying there is no reason to beat the poopie out of Kavanagh**

**A. Or attempt to kill**

The annoying scientist that probably shouldn't be a scientist (no offence to Kavanagh fans) was getting on everyone's nerves. So far most of the population of Atlantis were pulling straws on who got the chance to try to kill him next.

**4. No trying to kill McKay either**

**A. If he's dead then who else is going to save our butts?**

**B. Or fix the hot water?**

After rule 3, the people decided to pick on a new target. A target who just so happened to be highly allergic to citrus. After spiking his food with lemon and almost dieing this rule was posted.

**5. No singing CaramellDansen off world**

**A. It's Annoying**

**B. Just no**

No one knows why they decided to sing this but now the planet P4X-564 worshipped the song with the dancing ears.

**6. No taking pop tarts off world**

**A. The people of PX1-456 now only traded if pop tarts were involved**

SGA-6 were hungry, they had pop tarts; now the natives of the planet were "slightly" addicted to the pop tarts.

**7. Stop trying to give hamsters the ata gene**

**A. It's mean to test on animals**

**B. Hamsters aren't like humans, humans can tell whether to activate a device or not. Surprisingly hamsters can't do that**

After a certain doctor teamed up with a scientist, they decided to see if hamsters could have the ata gene. Unfortunately they managed to loose said hamster whilst SGA-1 was off world. This resulted in the hamster almost destroying the city. Fortunately for Atlantis, SGA-1 came back earlier than expected and saved the day.

**8. Do not insult the natives in anyway**

**A. I don't care if their beliefs are unbelievable and coo-coo**

**B. It's called respect**

**C. Just because sga-1 did it and managed to save the day because of it (rule 7) doesn't mean it's ok**

During the time of the hamster incident, sga-1 managed to disrespect every single one of the planets beliefs, also it didn't help that Sheppard was hitting on the chiefs daughter with his kirkness.

**9. No fireworks off world**

**A. Having the natives addicted to pop tarts and CaramellDansen was bad enough**

New years eve was coming up soon and before anything could happen this rule was posted. Most people thought it would be for the safety of the natives but really was for the safety of Atlantis; so that they will not be attacked to death for more fireworks.

**10. If you're going to have a pee behind a bush, at least find a bush that actually covers up what you're doing**

**A. Also one that was far away from people**

The scientist on sga-7 decided to do this, but forgot that he was surrounded by people. The rest of his team stayed in therapy for 3 weeks and were still having nightmares about it.


	2. Chapter 2

A/n here's some rules and disclaimer is the same as before *tear* Another quickie but this was pestering me, so yeah I posted this. Hope you enjoy! xD

**Rule 11. Pets are not allowed to be brought back from off world**

**A. Claiming that it is your soul mate is not an excuse to bring it back**

SGA-11 decided that they wanted to bring back the oh so adorable but oh so poisonous meerkat look-a-like creature back. Turns out the poison was deadly and almost killed everyone that had came in contact with it. Fortunately a cure was found for it. Unfortunately the cure was slightly painful and now SGA-11 are in hiding.

**Rules 12 Do not fill condoms with yoghurt and throw them at people**

**A. Just No**

SGA-7, 6, 1, 12 and got bored and only had condoms and yoghurt. After three cases of shock and four cases of broken bones; Carson went in and broke it up. Then put the team on clean up duty. The teams were now not looking forward to their next check up.

**Rule 13 Do not tap dance whilst singing fame whilst on a wraith ship**

**A. It gives away your position**

**B. You can't sing**

**C. The wraith don't like musicals**

Normally SGA-5 was quite normal, so this was a shock when they were behind this rule. If their singing wasn't so bad then the wraith wouldn't of thrown them out of their ship. Luckily the ship was parked on land and SGA-5 managed to get away.

**Rule 14 Do not eat turkey sandwiches whilst flying a puddle jumper**

**A. Or flying anything**

**B. Yes, I'm talking to you Sheppard**

He crashed into one of Atlantis' towers…

**Rules 15 Do not call the wraith evil space life sucking vampires**

**A. Only Sheppard can call them that**

**B. They don't like it**

The last person who did this got hit by Sheppard, and then killed by the wraith; for once they were on the same side.

**Rule 16 'How may people can fit in a puddle jumper' contests are now banned.**

Nobody knew who genius' idea was but after seeing the result of this contest no one could sleep for a week. At least no one attacked during that time.

**Rule 17 Turkey sandwiches are now banned**

**A. Sorry Sheppard**

After people found out that Sheppard could be persuade to do anything for turkey sandwich everything got out of hand. Everyone agreed to forget that week.

**Rule 18 No naming things the Enterprise**

**A. Or voyager**

**B. Or blaabreeboogamata**

Someone decided to name the new found ship the Enterprise. This resulted in the whole Atlantis starting a sci-fi war between star trek and star wars. This did not end up well and ended up with a slightly annoyed Carson. No one knew where blaabreeboogamata came from but they got slightly worried for that persons sanity and decided to end the war. That was the official story, the unofficial was that they were scared of what would happen at their next check-up and decided that it would be best to stay on Carson's good side.

**Rule 19 Don't let hyper people loose around Atlantis**

**A. No, just no**

Someone had a ickle bit too much sugar and decided to run rampage around the city. At 2am in the morning. No one was happy and now said person is in hiding from the angry mob that is after him.

**Rule 20 No volcanoes are to be built**

**A. Do you have a death wish?**

Ok so science fair volcanoes are ok, but building a giant one in the middle of the control tower filled with real lava was a bit over the top. No one knew how on earth the science department got this but they almost destroyed the control tower in the process. Fortunately, the lava was fake and didn't do any lasting damage. Good thing they didn't know this.


	3. Chapter 3

Heyyyyy, hopefully this is a longer chapter so here it is

**Disclaimer: I am not awesome enough to own Stargate Atlantis or any other references that you see *tear***

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><p><strong>Rule 21: Do not release a bunch of clowns in Atlantis<strong>

**A. We already have the wraith****  
><strong>B. And the replicators<strong>  
><strong>C. They also make Sheppard incapable of saving the day<strong>**

Thankfully the problem was taken care of. No one knows what happened to the people responsible.

**Rule 22 No creating doople-gangers**

**A. It's just creepy**  
><strong>B. We can't tell you apart<strong>  
><strong>C. We don't need another McKay<strong>  
><strong>D. Or Kavanagh<strong>

Sga 5 thought it'd be funny, others did not

**Rules 23 Do not take the quote "Doors are for people with no imagination" seriously.**

**A. I don't care if it's awesome and may be true****  
><strong>B. Or if you claim to be Spiderman, you're not<strong>**

Sga 3 + skulduggery pleasant books + boredom is never a good combination. Although no one died they did manage to break a few bones and scare a few people. They are now in hiding from scaring said people.

**Rule 24 Walking through fire is never a good idea**

**A. Just because Daniel did it doesn't mean it'll work for you**

No one really knows whose genius idea this was but now Sga 4 were sitting through a two week fire safety course to make sure it never happens again.

**Rule 25 Golf carts are not permitted on Atlantis**

**A. Especially if clowns are driving them  
>B. Remember Rule 21<strong>

No one knows how clowns got on base again, and how they managed to actually drive the carts around. Well you have to admit it, they did crash into almost every object in the way and some people were unlucky to get hit by them.

**Rule 26 There are separate changing rooms for a reason**

**A. Use the right one  
>B. 'I'm blind' is no excuse<br>C. We know you're faking**

Let's just say Sheppard is now in hiding.

**Rule 27 Stop asking Todd if he sparkles**

**A. McKay's complaining**

The movie twilight was shown on movie night.  
>We now have a very annoyed Todd who kept on getting asked the same question. Which resulted in him asking what on earth they were going on about, for them to explain. And then for Todd to get really annoyed and take out his anger by threatening McKay that he was going to feed off of him.<p>

**Rule 28 If Atlantis is going to turn into Grease the musical, don't do it when the IOA visit**

**A. We want to look sane  
>B. Whoever recorded it send me a copy<strong>

The IOA visited, the people of Atlantis wanted some fun. They were slightly off key and pitchy in places though.

**Rule 29 No kidnapping the popcorn**

**A. We'll sic the marines on you  
>B. I don't care if you're a marine<br>C. No one will help you**

Evil popcorn stealer

**Rule 30 If you're going to go around Atlantis whilst singing and dancing, people are going to think that you're weird**

A. Especially if you have a chicken on your head  
>B. And if you keep calling your pan 'my precious'<p>

The kitchen staff went on strike after hearing what the people were saying about them. This rule was posted so they would use common sense more and start cooking food again. Hopefully.

**Rule 31 Just because you have the power to send some to a planet without a Dhd, doesn't mean you have to**

**A. I don't care if they're annoying  
>B. That means you Elizibeth<strong>

Kavanagh almost went away for away for a very long time. Not that anybody thought that was a bad thing.

**Rule 32 No pen wars**

**A. The scientists have wat more than anyone else  
>B. Just gibe up already<strong>

No one was ever the same the following week after. The amount of ways you can be injured by a pen...

*Shudders*

**Rule 33 You are not superman**

A. Stop telling the locals you are

The people of PX3- 242 will now only trade with 'Superman'

**Rule 34 Stop prank calling Thor**

A. He's getting annoyed  
>B. He hardly answers in the first place<p>

Sga 13s team night got out of hand and they thought they would prank call a few people, including Thor. It just so happens that night he answered every call he got.

**Rule 35 Stop the it's mum / mom arguments**

**A. You're both right**

The British and American parts of the expedition got into a grammar war. For adults they could be such children.

**Rule 36 Stop playing the Star Trek: TOS theme song every time a team goes off world**

**A. It's getting annoying**

The techies had been watching too much Star Trek and thought that it would be ironic to play it every time a team went off world.

**Rule 37 McDonalds are not the official sponsors of Sga 7**

A. Hello, national security anyone?

No one knew Sga 7 had it in them to not use their common sense. Thankfully there were such things as a non-discloser agreements.

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><p>After this page went up people started to wonder who on earth was writing the rules and why on earth they were following them. There first thought was Elizabeth but considering that she was mentioned in Rule 31, they started to wonder.<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

**A/n - Ok so this is a short chapter but hopefully my next chapter will be 5,000 words +**

**(For me that's a lot of words xD)**

**So here it is, enjoy and please review!**

**Also Disclaimer - I do not own Stargate :(. I'mmma go off and cry in a corner now xD.**

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><p><strong>Rule 38: No sending the Grease DVD to earth<strong>

**A. Especially to people who don't have security clearence**

The people just kept getting dumber by the minute

**Rule 39: No strangling people with belts**

**A. I don't care if it was a joke  
>B. It's wrong and can be classed as attack<br>C. I will get you arrseted**

Kavanagh had had enough of Rodney. rodney had enough of Kavanagh. At least Rodney won' it's not as if I placed a bet or anything. Pffft...

**Rule 40: Wraith are not like the wicked witch of the west, they don't melt when you throw water on them**

**A. They just get really angry  
>B. And annoyed<br>C. And a bit wet too**

John decided to introduce Teyla and Ronon to the wizard of oz. They then decided to test the 'water melts evil people' theory out whilst being chased by wraith on a hive ship. It didn't work, which resulted in them being captured aboard the hive ship. I don't think they'll be trying that again, hopefully.

**Rule 41: Stop showing off when entering the gate by doing flips and backhand springs etc...**

**A. Remember the other side**

John ended up breaking his leg whilst trying to impress a princess on the planet SGA 1 was visiting.

**Rule 42: If you're going to write wormhole x-treme fanfics, do it so without sending them to the SGC**

**A. It's creeping them out  
>B. Especially SG1<br>C. Teal'c wants to know what a lemon and a slash is**

Some peoples minds are best not entered. Expecially the techies' who have a bit too much free time on their hands.

**Rule 43: If you're going to get revenge, then don't**

**A. Unless it's on the wraith  
>B. Or Replicators<br>C. Or Genii  
>D. Espcially on the evil popcorn stealers<br>E. Otherwise no**

John are the last piece of cake. Rodney died John's hair red. John swapped all of Rodney's clothes for rubber duckie pjamas. Rodney got mad and stopped John from getting hot water. And the list goes on and on. That was only two members of the expedition.

**Rule 44: Please remember to shower regulary**

**A. Or at least wash  
>B. We don't want to smell your stink<br>C. I'm talking to you SGA 1, 3, 7, 9 and 13.  
>D. I was busy doing paperwork is no excuse<br>E. We know you don't do paperwork**

Lazy people were single handerly killing the Atlantis expedition, let alone the wraith or any of the enemies mentioned in Rule 43.

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><p>Still no one knew who was posting the rules...<p> 


	5. Chapter 5

**A/n, sorry I have updated in ages but yeah here is a chapter and I'm sorry if I accidently repeat any rules!**

Rule 45: Just because it is said that Pigfarts is on Mars, doesn't mean that you can use the stargate to go to Pigfarts  
>A. No matter how much it pains me to say this…Pigfarts is not real…<br>B. Yes Rodney is making me write this rule  
>C. "Because I have the power" isn't an excuse<p>

Lets just say this plan didn't work out very well.

Rule 46: Never mention A Very Potter Musical or Sequel around me  
>A. I don't care if you don't know who I am just don't<br>B. No Rodney will not tell you  
>C. Beware, you will face the consequences<p>

After someone bringing up it, I ended up singing all the songs. The only problem was that I was on a planet trying to not get caught…I think the singing gave over a position and guess who is the lucky person who gets to spend the next week in the infirmary? Me!

Rule 47: No matter how much you say it, there is no I in team!  
>A. Evil, idiotic, stupid, full-of-themselves-$#!* yhghss Yahoos who think they are so better than everyone else that they can do the whole mission by themselves. Then end up getting is all caught because they are stupid and idiotic, and please let me kill them?<p>

Do I need to say more.

Rule 48: Do not invite your friends to come to Atlantis  
>A. This place is a secret for a reason<p>

THINK people, think! Are you so stupid that you would forget that this is a secret military base that no one is suppose to know exists!

Rule 49: No inappropriate behaviour in the hallways  
>A. You know who I'm talking to<p>

Some of the members of SG teams decided to hook up in secret, secret being the operable word.

Rule 50: No means no!  
>A. Rodney that means you<p>

Rodney wanted to blow up a star for scientific research. Even though the surrounding area was unpopulated it was still a no!

**More will be posted soon!**


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